TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of put. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Of course, positive, let us have A different spot where American Adult men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Anyone a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into Trump Tower Damascus gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to stop using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You realize, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Great tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Place, a attribute being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge in which my PTSD might have convert-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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